Two Letters Again

(Part 1) 

I can't believe I'm still talking about you, the two letters of my name. I thought that there will be closure for both of us after our last meetup back in 2018 after what you said to me. Fast forward to 4 years later, here I am, dedicating another post to you. 

Let's talk back about things that happened in my life. Because of the pandemic, I was forced to stay in Indo for two years, but God opened another door for me - to pursue my dreams and continue my study in Sydney. I was so excited about it, thinking you were also still here so at least I have a friend whom I can count on. However, just a few months before I came, I heard the news that you were planning to go back for good to Indo. Honestly, I was sad. You kinda affect my decision on how should I come here or not. But I'm just thinking, I am also curious about what He has planned for me, and why Australia has always been at the back of my mind since I graduated. 

I came here last March, you also invited me to come to the cell group and thankfully we were not as awkward as last time. I think because we are still in touch somehow. As usual, I always feel welcome here. We had spent some time together; hanging out with the cell group members, having a cup of coffee, watching movies, driving your car and so much more.

Here are some of my favourite memories of us. First, when I had a chance to drive your car. It was so fun, we sang old songs together while everyone was sleeping at the back. You patiently guided me and taught me in driving your car, it was raining heavily as well. Another favourite one was when we had our chat over a coffee at Max Brenner. We talked about adulting. Adulting hits us hard, we realize that it's our turn to give to others and take care of our parents. You asked me what's the reason why I came here and why you decided to go back for good. I always support your decision as I know you also consult God beforehand. The fact that you also care about your family shows me the side of you that hasn't changed since high school. Unlike anyone else, I always feel easy to talk to you and open myself up. Those two hours meet-up feel so short for me. 

This excitement to come here and be able to spend time with you may excite me too much. I admit that I care about you more than friends. When I heard you're sick, I just want to help and give you some medicine. When you had your new car, I just directly bought a tissue to be put inside your car. Sorry if my action made you uncomfortable. But my reason is just that I care for you. 

Around May, I just knew that apparently everyone knew about us already. Everyone thinks that I like you and I come here for you. My ego was hurt and a part of me was angry because I didn't like others to know about our story. I thought our stories were special and it's only for both of us. Hence, after knowing that everybody knows, I'm annoyed and keep telling myself I should avoid you completely. But after reflecting on my behaviour, I feel so silly to get angry with you without hearing any explanation from you. 

(Part 2)

I keep asking God to reveal to me if you are not the one. I'm looking for closure and a reason not to think about you anymore. But, until now I haven't found ones. The more I know you, I realize how you always sacrifice your own happiness for others, keep things in mind and internalize everything, love kids and stay faithful in serving God and others. 

However, at the same time, I am confused about your action toward me too. There are times that I feel you want to avoid me but you also care about me. When you suddenly pay for my drinks without saying anything, deliver my birthday cake and send me food while I'm sick. The time was just right :') Just a simple message from you, asking me what's my condition already made my day. A part of me still thinks this is just like the dreams that I always dreamed of. Maybe because it's never easy for us to be a friend. And when we have a chance, I am too scared to admit I still have feelings for you. Even now, I still feel it's surreal. 

I wonder how you feel and how you think regarding us. To think about it, I didn't regret my decision to come here. At least we have a few months to create memories together. We can see each other often and get to know each other more. Although there are ups and downs, I'm always still grateful for you. On a side note, thank you for always being a part of my birthday too (16,17,24 and 28). You know that I didn't like to celebrate my birthday, but it feels better with you in it. I also wonder why it's so hard for us to be just like a normal friends? Are we both scared of our own feelings when we start again and disappoint each other again? Despite everything, I believe there's a lesson that God wants us to learn from each other, where our path is still crossing for 13 years.

It's just one more month until you go back for good to Indo. Not sure if we have time to talk about our feelings to find closure or whether this story is better to end without closure...